I was challenged by a trusted and ruthless friend and mentor: ‘You are Not listening!’ he said, over and over until the words were drummed into my head. I thought I was listening, I argued and defended and stated that I had heard. I believed that  I had empathized with the struggle and triumph of our friend.

But I hadn’t…. Finally I saw that I had seen only myself in their shoes, I hadn’t seen them. I felt for them as I would have felt for myself in their place. I projected my ego all over them, my issues, my limitations, my desires and hopes. I have been unable to see or hear for so long that I fought to remain blind and deaf.

He forced me to look honestly at myself. There are so many falsehoods wrapped around me, I have held them close like old friends to shield me from being hurt by life. But the shield keeps everything away, leaving me disconnected and separate from everyone else. They keep at bay the pain of fear, rejection and anger but they also block the hope of true intimacy with others. They have left me craving, lost and alone…. I am numbed while behind these shields, disconnected and lonely.
Confronted with making a pledge of allegiance to my heart, to the true self within, to the divine void, I balked.

I couldn’t even hear what it was I was being asked to do. But, but, but my mind stalled “I cant, I, I , I cant”, my mind span wildly but could not get a grip on what it was I was resisting.

I felt profoundly heavy hearted. I grieved, not understanding what it was I felt I was losing. I sat for hours numb, blank, no fight left in me and not enough energy to try and push through.

I couldn’t face my friends without feeling like a hypocrite. So I faced them feeling like a hypocrite, feeling remorse, shamed and hurt. I knew I didn’t want to defend this anymore, but I didn’t know how to change, didn’t feel the courage to change.

I was so disheartened to think of those false friends, the ones that had let me feel confident and valued. I could even as I spoke to my mentor, feel myself trying to exclude or excuse some of them. Wanting to be free of this pain but with their protection intact. I wanted to maintain the image of kindness and helpfulness. I know it is not kindness in its pure form that is false but my desire to be seen as kind. I took comfort in feeling kind and helpful, because it gave me something of value to others.

I have been listening and seeing those around me through a veil. I am veiled from them by wanting those around me to see me as a kind and helpful person. I had built a career on that image.

The densest and most isolating veil I need to drop, is playing at sexual desire, seduction and flirtation, these were always first to be wrapped around me when I felt most worthless or vulnerable. Often I would feel desperate for someone to connect with me, it seemed that generating sexual desire could bridge  the space between us.  It felt safer to play that flirtatous role than to be seen for my self. The irony is that the energy poured into that character I played could not reach me. It left me still isolated and alone.

Even logic, knowledge, anger, arrogance and snobbishness have been allies. Tools I used to manipulate and control the people around me. I am still scared to let them go. To stand free and naked of these false projections of myself. To risk rejection of my true self.

Perhaps more than anything I have wanted to be seen as loving. To be loving is pure. But acting, while any part of me wants to be seen as loving, that is the worst corruption.

I crave affection and attention, by being affectionate and attentive with my friends I was trying to fullfill my own needs. Until it became so obvious that I had not been attentive. Not attentive to their needs but to my own projection onto them. I didn’t see them, I didn’t hear them. I only saw only my own warped reflection, distorted through the layers of falseness I had wrapped around me.

My dear  ruthless mentor was right these falsehoods have huddled around me, shielding me from others but in doing so they have prevented a deeper intimacy and have left me profoundly alone. This hurt.

My friend and my mentor saw me. Stood and witnessed me. They did not reach out to rescue me, nor to give affection which is what I always thought would help, to sooth and comfort. It turns out that I didn’t need to hear ‘its alright, you are a wonderful person we love you’. I would have bet my life on it only a day before that those words were that I needed to hear. They simply said ‘you are feeling a lot of unnecessary shame!,’ then agreed that I was finally walking a path of truth.

Unnecessary Shame!  I never realized how closely I wrapped this around me. Shame , guilt, regret, I have dragged them around with me and held them close. I guess in the hope that they would shield me from making the same mistakes. They dont, they are just weight. An unnecessary burden.

How could anyone offer me comfort without feeding the energy straight into the false beliefs I had about myself? Better to be brutal, ruthless, unrelenting in the hope that the veil of falseness between us be pierced. Until I am stripped of the need to be perceived as something, I cannot feel the intimacy with others which I feel is my natural state.

It is a dangerous and isolating illusion I have played with; I will play this role for you so that you accept me. Because as soon as those terms are agreed on then you cannot be accepting of the true me but my falseness and I am destined to be alone.

My hesitancy in pledging allegiance to my heart, my truth is due to the old allegiances I am entangled with.  I need freedom from them to even see or feel the allegiance to my heart. I am trying now to find a true resonance with the voice of my heart.

I have been asking the question; ‘Who am I?’, not as idle speculation but as Ramana Maharishi describes it. As a way of re- identifying with my true self, my heart, with the divine. It is a path to enlightenment. It is the path of my heart.
I will not make a life changing vow to myself in haste. But the resistance to it is falling away. There is nothing of value in these falsehoods and illusions. Do I have the courage then to trust my true self and pledge myself to the path of my heart.